A year changes a lot about a person, his or her perception of the world around them and taking the harsh lessons life can throw at you and converting it into experience; the only silver lining available to the individual in times of despair it seems. Poker changes by the week as people change by the day, or at least the illusion of change. Poker is always the same as people are always the same. Only the dynamics differ as time goes on. How you adjust is what decides the consequences in the long run.
For all the logic and rationality my words exhibit my thought process map is usually intuitive and then I try and match it to the facts presented to me. Fair to say I'm a strange creature and it's usually exhibited in the first draft of anything I type/write/say before I filter it. My reaction to women I get on with is similar at times.I base all of my decisions on logic and reason yet the woman I fall for just spin my head at will and descend my rational thoughts into something that would maybe seem coherent in a Monty Python sketch. And it's all I can think about, day and night.
I've only ever felt "in love" twice in my life. On a personal level I fell for someone who I thought had potential to be something of a soul mate or as close to it as a I thought possible over the past 6 months. The reality is she was more fucked up than I thought possible and our deepest, happiest connections came via highly emotional scenes and high amounts of external party extras. Bipolar/Borderline Personality Disorder is real as real can be and anyone should think long and hard about getting into any sort of friendship/relationship with someone who has either of these. It's easy to place the strain of either a friendship/relationship on the person with the mental disorder, but we should always look at our own actions to see how we can improve instead of only blaming external factors we have no control over. The misconception is these people are capable of thinking and feeling exactly the same as you and I. It couldn't be further from the truth and it takes a strong headed individual to bend their head around this.
After one of the best weekends of my life was I prepared to continue to be there for someone with these problems when I had lost my own sense of independence after having to move out of my own place, getting smashed every weekend to try and feel sort sort of happiness that is not possible in the confines of a box house that clearly couldn't accommodate me?
No
Naturally I was partially to blame for the breakdown of what we had. For a small period of time I felt like I was going through a slight depression. Definitely not as bad as I know some friends have had, but all the same I felt like I was to blame for the fuck up of something that could have been great. It took finally ending our whole friendship (phone/skype/facebook the lot) to get the weight off my shoulders and realise I wasn't the main reason for it falling apart.
Undoubtedly my biggest life leak is the women I fall for in my short time on this planet. All have been different shades of eccentric, crazy or mad, but these are the only people I become attracted to because it's the only people I can connect with on a certain level. I can quite easily spot an attractive woman, but the physical attraction requires the mental connection for me. I'm undoubtedly a red blooded male but that sense of absolute mental connection is that next level for me.
Regret any of it? Do I fuck. I had 6 of the best and most interesting months of my life and feel better equipped mentally moving forward. Onto the next nutcase....
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